Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
The Mental Health Awareness Week' s theme was "Move for your mental health." Social media platforms were drowning in posts and reels from the all main mental health charities and fitness gurus/ influencers, sharing the benefits of physical exercises on our mental health. This theme didn't take into account the many complexities of mental illnesses/ distress.
We, human beings, are the only species on the planet who don't meet our children's emotional needs and don't understand the importance of attachment. Most of the time, parents - especially, mothers- aren't to blame: society teaches us to separate from our babies as soon as they are out of the womb. We are warned not to let our infants getting to attached to us, when, in truth, attachment is vital for their growth and well-being;. Without a secure and loving attachment, to their primary carer, kids will experienced great difficulties as adults and some might not even survive.
#SAAM - the Sexual Assault Awareness campaign is this month. I wish I could write such things as: "If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, please go to the Police, talk to someone, anyone who could help you though this." Sadly, I can't because the reality is the experiences of victims and survivors of SA are still being dismissed, minimised, if not used as opportunities to further hurt those who are seeking help.
Mental health services in the UK have always been hard to access. In the last past 5 years, they can no longer meet the needs of the increasing numbers of suffering individuals. The recuring question is "Why are more and more people diagnosed with depression/ADHD/ BPD? ETC" So, what is happening?
This June, I took a plane to Carcassonne, in the south of France. I booked this trip earlier this year, when I was
stuck in bed for a month,really sick with the flu and experiencing breathing difficulties. I also felt miserable and alone.Both my physical and mental health were
fragile. I also lost two friends whom I loved very much. We grew apart,
which is part of life but , nevertheless
painful. My cat died. He was still really young and was more than a pet
to me: he was my companion who made my dark days, brighter.
I had some inner obstacles to face
before going away. The first one was: "I don't deserve a
holiday! I am not working, only those who work deserve a holiday" I was still feeling guilty for being one of those people on welfare benefits. I then had to fight with my mother, still very present in my head, telling me I didn't deserve such a treat! I also had thoughts such as: "What if someone steals my money or, worse, rapes me?" I was terrified! I could have told myself how irrational I was but, I didn't. Here I was doing something great for myself and, of course, I was scared! "Surely, something bad is going to happen!" My anxiety was high!
I felt sad as I knew my anxiety was the effect of a childhood where anything I asked for was denied to me. Whether it was a bike, or a dress or a library membership, I was always told I couldn't have it. The rare moment of contentment and happiness were always snatched away from me. I never knew when my mother's anger would strike again. I was always on edge, never able to relax. I heard the stories of my mother having had to steal to feed us because our father took all the money to go out partying. My mother always complained we didn't have enough money, even when she was married with my step father and financially secure.
I felt sad as I knew my anxiety was the effect of a childhood where anything I asked for was denied to me. Whether it was a bike, or a dress or a library membership, I was always told I couldn't have it. The rare moment of contentment and happiness were always snatched away from me. I never knew when my mother's anger would strike again. I was always on edge, never able to relax. I heard the stories of my mother having had to steal to feed us because our father took all the money to go out partying. My mother always complained we didn't have enough money, even when she was married with my step father and financially secure.
My friends kept telling how much I deserved a break and that everything will turn out fine! It was hard for me to feel as they did. For years, I have been depriving myself of so much things in my life, because I felt undeserving. I once worked an entire year at the pub, without any breaks, saving money for a trip in Greece. I never went! There were always more money to save and more hours to work. I ended up being sick. I felt safer with all my money in the bank, just in case something bad happened. I have always felt as something horrible is around the corner, lurking in the dark.
After a lot of chanting and quiet time during which I was sitting patiently with my emotions and feelings, by the time I was packing, I had decided that this trip would be a present for myself. I was determined to enjoying every second of it, without guilt.
When my cat died, I realised that I was trying to protect my pet by keeping him inside, it is a dangerous world out there! What I couldn't control were sickness and death! I thought my pet would always be in my life and , suddenly it was gone. This remeinded me there are things in life I really can't control. I desperantly wanted to treasure every single person present in my life and no longer hold on to relationships that didn't work and never will. My relationship with my mother came up strongly in my mind: she never loved and she never will so, why holding on to her and miss out on the love and support from those who are by my side? For so long, I have been looking for her love in all the wrong relationships. It was time to let go. I turned her over to the Universe. "The Universe looks after her now. I dont have to carry her anymore." This inner shift was powerful. I felt myself more and more present, right here and right now, with the people who really care and love me. I didnt want to take anyone for granted anymore, because, with life forever changing, we never know when we will be parting from our loved ones.
I had a lovely trip. Nothing bad happened. I was in awe of the mediaval city, enjoyed the sunshine and met friendly locals. I always had someone to talk to while I was having dinner, savouring each bite of food and each sip of wine. I indulged with some cheese ,of course, and enjoyed the desserts. For the first time, I was completely at ease in my own company. For a recovering love addict who had a deep fear of being alone, this was a great step. It felt good to do whatever I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, at my own pace. I had never experienced such freedom before.
As I brought my brain with me, I still had traumatic nightmares. One afternoon, my mood was low and I decided to retreat to my bedroom. There is no holiday for a brain suffering from C-PTSD. In my sleep, I keep running away from danger which leaves me with little energy upon awakening. I can feel sad and scared for the rest of the day.
On the last day, I realised it was four years ago, I left my fiance and my world fell apart. I was wondering if he was still with the woman he started seeing once I dumped him. For many months, driven by my love addiction, I checked Facebook, looked at the happy pictures, beating myself up for the mess I created. That morning, in Carcasonne, I felt ready to put everything that happened during our relationship and what followed behind me. "The Universe can look after him now, I no longer need to carry him and all the pain in my heart anymore." I also praised myself for everything I overcame for the last four years. I have learned from my mistakes and grown so much since then. I don't even feel like I need to be in a romantic relationship nor do I want to chase after one. That was something else I turned over to the Universe that day, in the south of France. It seemed that this year was about me, all about me. The only relationship I need to work on is the one with my Inner children, the one with myself.
I have noticed some changes since my return in London.I finally found a daily rythm that suits me: chanting and studying buddhism, then working on the
investigative article I was writing, enjoying the research and
persevering in reaching out to people for interviews and, in the afternoon, going to appointmemnts,meeting friends or resting.I also kept building this website, which was a challenge as I am not a computer person! I was determined to win over my anxiety telling what I was doing wasn't going anywhere, reminding myself that each step I took each day, will lead me somewhere. I held on to my prayer to create a life in which I can work doing what I love the most, looking after my physical and mental health, earning a good income, whilst creating value and happiness for myself together with others.
For whatever reasons, my nightmares intensified and I felt more and more tired every day. The heat wave didn't help and triggered my breathing difficulties. The lack of sleep and painful periods started to have a huge imapct on my mood and I needed to rest. I was tired of being tired. I was also quite grumpy and miserable. I put my work on the side for a few days. I would normally feel useless and frustrated but, for once, with an overnight stay at the hospital apporoaching, I was aware that my health had to be my top priority for a few weeks, everything else could wait. This was another big inner change for me.
I started to work on STEP 4 of the Survivors of Sexual Abuse Anonymous - SoSAA (see Websites in the resources section) recovery group. As I started to write, in details, about the abuse I was the victim of as a child, from my mother and from my Uncle, I felt the urge to give that too, to the Universe. I acknowledged that it didn't mean I wouldn't have any more nightmares and flashbacks but that I would be stronger in managing my life in spite of them. I already felt a sense of relief.
One thing I've learned on my recovery journey: there is no such thing as a cure for mental health difficulties, whether it is C-PTSD or Depression. Healing is about managing our symptoms and live well with our illness. I have spend years in therapy with the hope of fixing what was wrong with me. I was told there was something wrong with me and needed to try harder. The day I realised it wasn't about what was wrong with me but about what happened to me, I started to feel more at peace with myself, accepting that my recovery is a life long journey and there might be days when I need to put everything on one side, as I recently did, in order to rest. I stopped listening to those who thought they knew better than I did and who treated me like an unstable person. The way I see it, most mental illnesses aren't disorders but a natural reaction to trauma or any other life challenges someone experienced.
We are often told to distract ourselves on a "bad" day but, sometimes, it isn't that easy! We can go to work, earn a great living and still suffer from depression and, for some of us, work is everything but a distraction. We can go on holiday and still get triggered and feel down. We can have a soothing bath, have a nice walk on a sunny day, meet friends and still be in emotional pain. There aren't any quick solutions. We can still work hard towards our dreams and be paralysed with fear, after years of being told we are useless, isn't it understandable? Not a lot of people know what amount of energy it takes us to just get out of bed sometimes, how each step we take in creating a better life for ourselves can leave us exhausted. All we can do is our best, and trust it will lead us to a brighter tomorrow.
Sylvie Rouhani
Copyright - Sylvie Rouhani - 2018 All Rights Reserved.
