Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
Some of us ,within the LGBTQA+ community, face additional barriers when disclosing our stories of child sexual abuse. The myths and misconceptions on sexuality and on child abuse are hurting us and it stops some of us from sharing their experiences.
Years ago, a friend of mine told me: when he was a child, back home, he was raped by a man. He added: "And I enjoyed it. I am gay. I think it might be because of what happened to me." I didn't know what to say. But it didn't seem right that his sexuality was the effect of abuse by an older man.
More recently, another friend of mine confided in methat her family declared she was a Lesbian because of what her Dad did to her. Her sexuality was bringing more shame to these religious mother and sister, than the fact that their husband/ father raped her and got her pregnant.
While taking part of a study for treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, when asked about my sexuality, I answered: "I am Bi." I was informed that a common symptom of BPD was confusion about one's sexuality. I made it clear, I was not confused at all: I am Bi! During my year in care, my carer was a Pentecostal Church goer. They believed homosexuality was a result of sexual abuse, or a sign of the devil... Of something terribly wrong!
Some Gay men feel they can't share their experiences of child sexual abuse ,especially if their bodies responded to touch, as a body naturally does, thinking this is the root of their homosexuality. Some are told they probably asked for it, or it wasn't that bad if they ejaculated.
Another silly idea is that Lesbians are the way they are because being abused by a man put them off the opposite sex.
The Engagement with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer/ questioning + victims and survivors Report, from The
Independent Enquiry
- child sexual abuse,
published in May 2022, shares experiences from victims and survivors:
"People might say ‘she is the way she is because of the abuse’." and "If we are LGBTQ because a man abused us and ‘we are blaming all men’ or if we got abused by a woman we ‘are confused’".
LGBTQ+ victims and survivors
"It took me a while to come out as I attached my child sexual abuse with being gay." LGBTQ+ victim and survivor
"I’ve been asked whether I’m non-binary specifically because I experienced child sexual abuse, and whether I’m turning my discomfort with my body from the sexual abuse into a gender issue that isn’t really there." LGBTQ+ victim and survivor
"People who ‘subscribe’ to any form of so-called ‘alternative’ lifestyles – whether that be in dress, lifestyle or whatever, seem to be blamed more for any abuse they receive, as if they are somehow either getting what they ‘deserve’, or asking for abuse by the way they dress or live their lives."
LGBTQ+ victim and survivor
It is heart breaking to read these experiences: here are individuals who have been hurt in a deep way and who are , as adults (of all genders) further dismissed, judged and abandoned by enablers (of all genders) in the name of God, or of what is considered "normal". The suffering of raped children is being completely discarded. Some of us have no one to turn to.
My dear friends from the LGBTQA+ community, I see you. I hear you. I stand with you.
Sylvie
Happy Pride Month 2022
Resources:
The Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse - IICSA: " ...chaired by Professor Alexis Jay OBE (pictured), was set up because of serious concerns that some organisations had failed and were continuing to fail to protect children from sexual abuse..."
London LGBTQ+ Resources – from Rainbow Mind: "Rainbow Mind supports LGBTQI+ mental health.
Run and led by LGBTQI+ people, we offer inclusive, sensitive, non-judgemental support and a safe space to connect with others. We know that LGBTQI+ people are more at risk of poor mental health. That’s why we’ve developed Rainbow Mind services."
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
