Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
The Mental Health Awareness Week' s theme was "Move for your mental health." Social media platforms were drowning in posts and reels from the all main mental health charities and fitness gurus/ influencers, sharing the benefits of physical exercises on our mental health. This theme didn't take into account the many complexities of mental illnesses/ distress.
We, human beings, are the only species on the planet who don't meet our children's emotional needs and don't understand the importance of attachment. Most of the time, parents - especially, mothers- aren't to blame: society teaches us to separate from our babies as soon as they are out of the womb. We are warned not to let our infants getting to attached to us, when, in truth, attachment is vital for their growth and well-being;. Without a secure and loving attachment, to their primary carer, kids will experienced great difficulties as adults and some might not even survive.
#SAAM - the Sexual Assault Awareness campaign is this month. I wish I could write such things as: "If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, please go to the Police, talk to someone, anyone who could help you though this." Sadly, I can't because the reality is the experiences of victims and survivors of SA are still being dismissed, minimised, if not used as opportunities to further hurt those who are seeking help.
Mental health services in the UK have always been hard to access. In the last past 5 years, they can no longer meet the needs of the increasing numbers of suffering individuals. The recuring question is "Why are more and more people diagnosed with depression/ADHD/ BPD? ETC" So, what is happening?
Happy New year 2020, everyone.
A new year can be exciting for some, very scary for others or, sometimes, a little bit of both. There is so much pressure out there to better ourselves by setting some new goals and intentions. I gave it some thoughts and determined to carry on with what I have started in 2019: giving myself more self-compassion. So, what is Self-Compassion? What is its place in recovery from Child Sexual Abuse?
I started last year with some Life Coaching. The plan was to finally become a paid writer. My Coach used some exercises from the Playing Big
book, by Tara Mohr, to acknowledge and to interact with my Inner Critic. I found out my Inner Critic was my Mother critisizing me, putting any of my good work down, reminding me I was useless and will not achieve anything of value. There was no surprise there! I got angry at her and told her to shut up. She had already made my life miserable by breaking my spirit. However, I was adviced to approach this Inner Critic with compassion. I tried but it didn't feel right. It felt more cathartic to tell her to just leave me alone while declaring I was now in charge of my life, thank you very much!
My Coach also adviced me to purchase another book: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD - leading expert in Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) I had read so many self help books in the past decade, I didn't really want to get another one. I am glad I eventually did because I have discovered the tools I really needed at this stage in my life.
As so many of you know, our recovery journey is one stepping stone at the time. We are peeling layers upon layers of pain. Seeking answers, I became a member of different spiritual/ religious organisations. What they all had in common was teaching how, essentially, to get rid of pain (sometimes called negativity, demons, the enemy) ... by, very often, rejecting it, minimising it and denying it. I tried and tried to be this peaceful being rising above my gnawing inner suffering, to no avail. What was wrong with me? I prayed it away, energy healed it away, chanted it away... It never went away. It was still there, tearing me apart.
In Self-Compassion, the one thing I have learned was to love myself through my pain. First, it is necessary to acknowledge its existence, its inevatability in life (sad, I know) and to then pause to sooth myself: "I am sorry you are hurting." I listened to the free Self Compassion Meditations. I felt this warm and loving energy in my chest area.
Kristy Neff, PhD, explains there are 3 key elements
of Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC):
- Mindfulness: Acknowledging the pain/ discomfort "I am hurting right now." or "I am really having a though time." I found listening to the meditations very helpful as I was a newbie. These mediations helped me to reach a mindful state and by repeating the little "mantras", I felt warmth as I placed my hands on my heart (See 3. Self Kindness)
- Commom Humanity: Recognising pain/ suffering is part of the human experience, We all experience it. "I am not alone." or "Others must feel this way, at some point in their life" Realistically, it is true: every single human being experiences suffering in one form or another.We all experience change, (mental or physical) illnesses, financial difficulties, relationship discordect. the list goes on and on. This step isn't about minimising our own challenges but to reconnect with our fellows human beings. It makes sense to me to pray/ chant for my happiness TOGETHER with others.
- Self Kindness:
self soothing by gently talking to ourselves/ inner self "I am sorry you are sad/ angry/ suffering right now. I am here for you. hold on."
A gentle stroke on the arm, a self hug, or hands on one's chest might also help. This helps me to go back to my body and to show myself (my Inner Girls) how much I care about myself.
I took to repeat the self-soothing/ caring/ loving at least once a day, more when it is a tough one. I do it walking in the park, in the bath, in bed... anywhere, really. A year later, I can share how slowly, I have started to hear less of the Inner Critic and more of me. My Inner dialogue is much more encouraging, empathic and gentle. It made me think back, 5 years ago, when I was in total despair. i thought I was needy, stupid and "mental", as I used to say. Now I can see how I was deeply, deeply suffering. I needed love and support. At the time, my Inner Critic was a dominant force and most people around me described me as "difficult." There was no compasion from a lot of poeple (including from myself).
Reading Pete Walker's two amazing books (The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame & Complex CPTDS: From Surviving to Thriving)
I found out it is actually necessary for survivors of childhood trauma and neglect, to get angry with the Inner Critic/ the Critical Inner Parent. I enjoyed setting some strong inner boundaries. "No, you have no right to talk to me like this!." I even allow myself to be rude!
Recently, my mental health detariorated, as a results of triggers and pushing myself a bit too much. There were moments of total despair during the last few months of 2019. I stopped volunterring. I stopped writing my blog and articles. There was nothing new with the emotional pain, the nightmares, the sleepless night, the low mood ect ... What has changed is the way I treated myself. It wasn't always easy. It is in our instinct to get rid off the pain. I rememebred it wasn't about getting rid off the pain but about loving myself through this darkness. I sometimes felt frustrated with myself, with the Universe, with Life itself. At my lowest, I didn't want to die or to hurt myself but I didn't know how to live anymore. I felt hopeless and helpless. I was scared. How much pain can one person take, right? I held on. "I know it is painful and shit right now. I am so sorry for what you have been through (as a child) and for what you are going through now, as a result of the abuse. It isn't easy and you are still standing!!"
Well. I was moslty laying down in my bed but, you know, I was alive! I am alive and this, in itself, is my biggest achievement.
Sylvie
Resources:
Kristy Neff, PhD
Self-Compassion and
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook (available on her website and Amazon)
Pete Walker, M.A
Published articles & book excerpts available on his website.
Tara Mohr
https://www.taramohr.com/the-playing-big-book/
