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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
Living with "Chronic Loneliness"
What I call " Chronic Loneliness", others call "Attachment trauma", is the heart breaking, gnawing feeling that I am all alone, and frightened - knowing fully well I am not wanted here. There is no love here. This is something I live with every single day of my life. Some days. it is barely noticeable, other days, it is overwhelming, but it is always there, within me. I've learned to accept it with tender loving care, I am not going to lie: it hurts.
For me, it all starts in mother's womb. I know the story well, as it had been told to me many times: "I wanted to leave your father and then, I discovered I was pregnant with you! I nearly lost you once, I didn't dare saying I didn't want you." I DIDN'T WANT YOU." I heard it, felt it, saw it and knew it. I was reminded of it until I stopped all contact with mother.
These deep sadness and loneliness -so intense I thought, many times, it was best for me to die - were the desperate forces pushing me to hang on to anyone who showed me interest - friendships, sexual encounters and romances - I felt the urge to merge with the other. I needed that special bond. Some might have described my behaviour as quite intense. A brief connection, a break-up, lack of communication, plans cancelled, texts left unanswered, and lateness all triggered deep, overwhelming feelings of abandonment and rejection. I would have full on panic attacks, gasping for air, terrorized to be left alone. I would sit quietly waiting for my partner's return. Text or call a million times. I would have "tantrums" In most of my serious relationships, I was a scared little girl, needing a lot of reassurance and comfort.
I was told these patterns of thoughts/ feelings and behaviour were symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, of Love and Sex Addiction, and of co-dependency. Those are thought to be linked. At first I was relieved to have words to explain what was wrong with me. I worked hard at my recovery - at fixing myself in CODA groups. Unfortunately, I was re-traumatised in therapy for "my BPD" I was shamed for having great difficulties. I already carried a lot of shame for the relationship partners I picked, my promiscuous behaviour, my inability to leave abusive relationships - choosing the dream I had build up in my head. Being so desperate for someone to love me and not bonding with my daughter.
Another worrying effect was me stopping eating. When under a lot of emotional distress, I lose my appetite. A part of me wanted to disappear. I understand this part of me was starving herself, hoping to die. I have been asked if I was anorexic but, I never thought it was that. In my opinion though, I would classify this as an eating disorder. It never felt it was about control, for me, I just wanted to die.
In more recent years, I replaced being in actual relationships and fell into a pattern of becoming friends with someone and, in the privacy of my head, I would imagine how we would, eventually become partners, secretly hoping that, by being a good friend. they might fall in love with me, even though it was clear they weren't available. Another pattern I felt ashamed of. With my male friends, for a long time, I was expecting things to turn sexual at some point- I didn't know any other ways of relating with men.
I've always had a strong and vivid imagination and, the best way for me to fall asleep, was to go in my inner world where I was loved, happy and free. I used to day dream a lot, to escape my loveless home, as a child. This habit lasted a long time, well into adulthood, when I was desperate to make my dreams of love and happiness come true.
With time, through my own research, people I met*, and my own journey, I discovered all these patterns are symptoms of having grown unwelcomed within an hostile womb; resented and rejected as a infant, unloved, and abused; until I went "No Contact", in my early 30s. Symptoms of a broken heart. Some are elaborate (and unconscious) ways to keep myself alive. Not "defects of character" or, signs of a "disordered/ BPD mind" or, "darkness/ negativity/ demons" or an "Ego" to get rid off.
With Mindful Self - Compassion (Dr Kristin Neff), I have learned to tend to this broken heart of mine. My journey was no longer about fixing myself. I was about accepting and taking loving care of myself, as I was, in my despair. Going deeper, and discovering Inner Family System (Dr R. Schwartz), I became aware of the many inner parts of me. Within me, there is a small Inner Child, who feels so deeply lonely and scared. During those emotional times, I have learned to turn inwards, towards my Inner Parts/Children with tender loving care. It isn't easy. Of course, occasionally, I naturally want to get rid of the pain or ignore it. It is sad to sit with such a deep-seated pain. Embracing the resistance, discomfort, and frustration is part of the journey too.
I no longer have the impulses to date or to have sex with anyone, just because I am terrified to be alone. I no longer crush on unavailable people, My friendships with men are just that, friendships. I no longer panic when plans get cancelled or delayed; or when friends take time to text back. I had a few dates in the last 10 years, not going anywhere and I didn't feel totally devastated by it. And, the bond between my daughter and myself is stronger than it has ever been. This is such freedom and such a relief, for me - my inner girls. Life used to be so agonising before. The agony used to come with a strong desire to die. I now have a strong desire to live.
Someone told me I have come full cycle, from wanting to die to wanting to live. Yes, I many ways, I have, however, I don't consider myself "healed" or "recovered" I am aware that some experiences have had a lasting impact on me - mind, body and spirit. Attachment Trauma (What I call my "Chronic Loneliness") is soul and heart destroying, it can kill. I nearly died of it. While I turn inwards during my most emotional moments, I feel utterly exhausted. I don't sleep well at night. Eating is difficult. The BIG difference is that I no longer beat myself up when sleeping and eating are difficult; and for needing to rest. I learned to be patient, to take my time and rest, when I need to. I do my best. This is what healing is for me.
Take gentle care of yourselves (I know it isn't easy when we hurt so, no pressure)
Sylvie
Also on Winter Turns into Spring:
Recovery from Child Sexual Abuse - Self-Compassion
The Ongoing Process of Healing from Child Abuse
It isn't Love Addiction, It is Attachment Trauma
People I met:
- Karen Isbister - Becoming Whole
"I’m Karen Lee and I offer a unique therapy experience. It’s my passion and commitment to support you in gaining clarity and awareness so that you can make life choices that lead to fulfilment, freedom, and true joy."
- Assunta Cucca - Kokoro Consultation and Coaching
"I setup Kokoro Consultancy, where people can feel comfortable with having genuine conversations. A coaching space where people learn to accept who they are, without fear but with the confidence and the resilience of a curious explorer."
Books to read:
- No Bad Parts by Dr Richard Schwartz
- Mindful Self-Compassion and Fierce Self-Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff
- The Myth of Normal by Dr Gabor Mate and Daniel Mate
- The Blossoming Lotus by Sylvie Rouhani (me)
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
