Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
When we were sexually abuse as children, we missed out on a lot of things like a loving mother, a safe place to go home to, our innocence, an happy childhood, our sanity etc... The list is really long. A lot of things have been stolen from us too. There are so many things adults survivors need to feel and grieve. It is a painful process and it feels rather lonely.
As Valentine's Day approaches, the day of hearts, flowers and sexy lingerie,
in this sixth instalment of
"Feeling And Grieving Our Losses",
I write about sex and our bodies.
Just before Christmas, I invited a few friends around. I don't remember how it came up but, I got the book "Vagina" by Naomi Wolf
out. Discussing this book enabled me to, later on and in a more private setting, open a dialogue with a friend about incest, its impact on our sex life and our relationship with our bodies.
What I got out of this book was that in order to fully enjoy sex with a partner, a woman needs to feel safe and loved, way outside of the bedroom. It is about small gestures and small actions showing her she is treasured, loved and nurtured within her relationship. I felt terribly sad reading this: no wonder I never enjoyed sex, I never felt safe. I didn't feel safe and, as a really small child, I wasn't safe in the hand of an uncle who violated my body. I very often wonder how it could feel to be held in someone's arms and feel safe, knowing that it won't turn into anything sexual.
My friend agrees with me: there is too much pressure out there to be or to perform in certain ways in bed. I keep saying to all those who would listen: people sleep together and they don't even know each other! Another friend of mine said starting a relationship by getting to know one another before having sex is a nice concept. "I wonder what it would be like!" So do I!
If, for whatever reasons someone doesn't like sex or doesn't have sex for a very long time, questions such as "What is going on? What is wrong with me/ you?" pop up. I was told once to just forget about the abuse, to go out there and grab someone and enjoy yourself! Get a fuck buddy! Get kinky! Another piece of advice offered to me was to buy sex toys. I had them and I threw all of them away. I am not looking for a simple sexual release. I am seeking a real emotional connection with a human being. A sex toy isn't a magic wand that could just make the trauma fade away!
Now, a few years into recovery, I know I don't like sex, I know that I don't want it and there is nothing wrong with me. The problem isn't me: what my uncle did to me is the problem. Being sexually abuse at the tender age of three is the problem.
The sad thing was, once I became aware of the sexual abuse and was comfortable talking about it with my partners, not a lot of them understood that NO meant NO. I asked one ex to please stop touching/ grabbing my arse, he just thought it was funny and did it anyway! I told another ex I no longer wanted to do certain things: no matter how my body responded well to certain touch, it was triggering me a lot so I wanted to stop. He left me for a bit but slowly tried again: "But you enjoy it!!" I gave in, not knowing what else to do. When I decided, with the help of my therapist, to stop having sex for awhile, so I could experience non sexual intimacy, he asked me how long this would take! It was ok for him if I worked on my trauma as long as we still had sex. Once he even refused to kiss me. It broke my heart. When the relationship ended, I felt guilty for not giving him what he needed. It took me a year to understand that, what he was doing was coercion. It was sexual abuse. When it came to sex, I regressed back being to powerless little girl in bed with her uncle and, I often found myself with partners who had similar traits than him.
I don't really feel connected to my body. I don't feel like a sexual being. This is part of me left neglected and under-valued as a direct result of CSA and coercion in later life. It isn't that I don't want to ever have sex. What I want is a mutually loving, caring and respectful relationship where I could safely explore my sexuality and enjoy it. I am so sad that this was taken away from me. I would have loved to feel free to have fun and explore sex in a loving way but, I have doubts about finding a person who would love me and respect me enough to be patient.
All the experiences I have mentioned so far today involved men abusing me. It is important to say that WOMEN can also be sexually abusive towards (their) children . Remember sexual abuse doesn't only entail penetration. Making a child watch erotic movies is abuse. Talking about sex (in a way that is inappropriate for their age and understanding) to a young child is sexual abuse.
There are girls and women victims of CSA. There are also boys and men victims of CSA. I have met so many men survivors of child sexual abuse. They are dealing with the same intense emotional pain as I am. They also feel worthless. They too need to be loved and supported. Society's pressure on how a man should behave is a huge obstacle for those men who have been abused. Very often, behind an addiction to alcohol, sex or drug, hides a very unhappy little boy. Meeting male survivors enabled me to discover that not all men were "bad" and that they have emotions too.
Consent is valid for both men and women. NO means NO and needs to be respected.
Some of us develop sex addiction , others will experienced sex anorexia . Both are ways to protect ourselves or ways of not dealing with our inner pain and desire. It is understandable, after the abuse, to protect ourselves from further suffering. We also had to not feel our pain because it was so overwhelming, acknowledging it would have killed us. This is how I understand it anyway. These coping mechanisms are outdated, yes, but they kept us alive. With loving compassion, we can heal and learn to open up our hearts and let the right people in. It isn't easy and it might not make sense because , some of us might had thought what happened to us was love.
To be honest, I don't know how love and sex can actually compliment each other, but I am praying to find out.
Sylvie
Feel free to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences using the comment section below the post. I'd love to hear from you.
To read the first five Feeling And Grieving Our Losses instalments, please click on the links below :
Grief
The Unloving Mother
The Absent Father
The Dysfunctional Family
Unhealthy Relationships
Copyright - Sylvie Rouhani - 2019 All Rights Reserved.
